Forgettable

is how I feel sometimes. If someone is introducing a group, or reacquainting themselves with a group, going around and saying people's names, it is almost always my name that gets stumbled on. It's almost amusing and predictable. And it happened again at Anna's first volleyball practice. She is playing on the same team that she did in the fall. The coach knows who I am, or at least I thought she did. She remembered all the other returning parent's and player's names, but got to me and not only didn't remember my name, but forgot Anna's as well and then thought I was on the Parent Club at a different elementary school. Wow....did I feel special. And that got me thinking....what do I do to make other's feel special? I have always had a great memory for names and faces so that hasn't been a problem, but do I help others to feel remembered and special rather than invisible? And how can I be aware, when I'm so absorbed in my own feelings of invisibility?

At church, we have a weekly lesson in our women's group. There's one teacher, in particular, that for whatever reason, has never shown one ounce of interest in who I am or what I think, seems to look past or through me if we happen to make eye contact and has in fact, said some really hurtful things to me over the years that I've known her, even though I've tried to talk to her on many occasions. For this reason, I don't have much to do with her either, but it always bothers me that she was never interested in giving me the time of day. "What's wrong with me?" I've wondered on many occasions. I've had a really difficult time then, listening to her lessons, because some of what she teaches seems hypocritical because of the way she's acted toward me. I've found myself really struggling to even remain in the room and though I have remained for the lessons, my thoughts were otherwise occupied with feelings of frustration and hurt, rather than the content of the lesson.

These feelings certainly kept me from feeling anything spiritual at church and I didn't like that at all. What could I do? I decided to start praying for the ability to separate out my hurt from my ability to listen and absorb the message.

An amazing thing happened.....while I don't think I will ever be friends with this person, I no longer have feelings of animousity while she is teaching and in fact, some of the most powerful spiritual promptings I've felt over the last few months have been while I've been pondering things that she taught in her lessons. Quotes or statements that she has made during her monthly lessons have impacted me and helped me in ways I am still surprised about. In praying for the separation of my feelings from her lessons, I obliviously started the process of forgiveness. When I realized that in releasing my feelings of anger and hurt, I had also released my hold on not being able to forgive, I was astounded. What an incredible feeling! I am grateful for the giant weight that has been lifted off of my shoulders. I'm sure she doesn't think one bit about the things that happened in the past, so why should I? And I don't need her "approval" or notice to feel good about myself.

Since then, I've focused less on myself and my feelings and more on those around me, trying to help others realize they are not invisible. All I had to do was simply ask. She may still look past me, may think I'm forgettable, but I am grateful for the blessing of the removal of the feelings of animousity from my heart and the forgiveness which has taken it's place, as well as for the impressions I've felt during her lessons. I always wish that it didn't take me SO LONG to realize that all I have to do is turn my problems over to a gracious Heavenly Father and he will help me let go of negative feelings, spiritually lightening my burdens . To my family, friends and especially to Him, I'm not invisible or forgettable. And that's enough for me.