W.O.R.R.Y.

should be my middle name.  I distinctly remember my Grandma telling me as a ten year old that I "worried too much about everything."  I don't recall what I was telling her about that caused her to tell me that.  We had just moved to Spokane, Washington from Yakima and it was possible that I was worrying about school or friends.  I do know that I worried about something happening to my parents ~ this was a huge fear.  I also recall one summer where I thought I was literally going to die because the air had a "smell of death" which was probably just the high, dry desert smell of eastern Washington.  I really thought that.  It's humorous writing that now, but at the time, the thought scared me.  I think that was the summer that I decided to quit reading books that involved major illness or premature death.   I recall getting a book at the library entitled "A Summer to Die."  (Upon seeing that title, I should've run away quickly.......very quickly) It was about two sisters, one of whom, develops leukemia, declines and eventually passes away.  I started routinely checking my body for bruises.  To this day, I recall this book and the fear rears it's ugly head if any of my kids has a bloody nose or an unexplained bruise.  

It all sounds so silly in writing......

When Katie and Tyler were 5 and 3, we took a family trip to Utah and camped in Zion's National Park for a few days.  What a beautiful and magnificent place!  I'm sure I drove Jay crazy making sure he was holding tightly to whichever child's hand he was holding on our hikes.......every 5 minutes. 

If the school bus was late, I'd worry.  If I lost my mom in a store as a kid, I'd worry.  When my parents drive to my house, I worry.  Whenever my kids leave, I worry.   I worry how people perceive me.  I agonize for days if I've said something, like in a lesson or a testimony, that I thought later maybe sounded dumb.   How much time and emotion have I wasted worrying?  I'm sure the amount is staggering.

Now you may be thinking "Kim must have absolutely no faith."  And if I let my thoughts swirl around and get myself worked up, yes, my faith goes right out the window.  I've had to approach my fears with a "is my head thinking this or my heart?"  I think it comes down to a realization that many things are out of my control.  I don't want to sound like a "control-freak."  I've felt great upheaval and change approaching with the impending departure of Katie to college in the fall.  All year, I've felt this fear of the unknown approaching me.  I want to stop time.  I've come to the conclusion though, that as much as I don't like the unknown, it's coming.  I have become, over the last several years, much more in control of my worry.  But over these last few months, it seems to have taken over and has seaped beyond the realms of Katie going away to college.  I find myself worrying about way too much.  I need to once again, break this cycle.  How quickly I forget that I don't have to do that on my own.  How must it make Heavenly Father feel when I try and fix things on my own, leaving Him out of it?  This "worry" that I've carried with me all my life dissapates when I am able to hand it over.  Any worry about myself, my kids, what people think about me, my family's safety, anything is gone if I can only be humble enough to acknowledge my weaknesses to my Heavenly Father. 

As I write this, I realize what a waste of time worrying is.......

Not that I can promise that I won't ever worry.   Cancer runs in my family.  That scares me but I'd hate to waste a lifetime worrying about some possible outcome of my life.  Even my mom, who was diagnosed with breast cancer almost 5 years ago, still tells me "not to waste my time worrying about something that might not happen.  You'll cross that bridge if it comes, but don't worry now."  Wise words Mom!  

I will have to cross the bridge of letting my kids grow and go.  Upheaval of status quo just creates a new status quo I guess.  And also creates a new set of worries.....i.e. did I teach her everything she needs to know, were we good parents, etc.  I can't think of how it will be to have Katie away from our home in the fall.  I know I'll have fun putting together little care packages.  I also know all the things I'll miss and how much I'll be looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas!

All I need to do is to think positive thoughts.  My pixie dust will have to be prayer.  I cannot imagine my life without prayer and the power of the priesthood.  It is those two things alone that help me get through each day.  My "worry barometer" is Jay ~ if he feels calm about something, then that helps me to also feel calm. 

Thanks for listening.....this was very therapeutic.

I think I need to change my middle name from W.O.R.R.Y to F.A.I.T.H